Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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