he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
