My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
