Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
