Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
