he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
