I am midnight drunk by noon
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Randomize
