we have pet lesbian snakes
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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