he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
