I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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