I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
