I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
