My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
