she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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