Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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