U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
