Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
