he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
