What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
