Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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