no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
