just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
