She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
