I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
