Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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