I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
