The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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