On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
