I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
