This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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