If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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