Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize