Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
