worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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