batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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