good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
