My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
