i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
