The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
