The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Who died my cat blue again?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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