I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
