The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
