i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
