I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize