u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
