You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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