if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
