Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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