So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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