either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
