Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
