i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
