Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
