When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
