Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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