He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
