I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
