Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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